Dear Kansas City, it’s Over and I’m Moving on

When I moved to Kansas City about three years ago, I had hopes of settling down. I’ve lived in seven different states. Growing up my dad’s job had my family moving every few years. We ended up settling down in Michigan. Where I meet my now ex-husband, he was in the military so that called for moving every couple of years. When he finished his term, we left Tennessee for Missouri with the intention of making it home and buying a house. It was something I was looking forward to, I’d be able to get involved around the city, making new friends, and no more apartments. After a few months in Kansas City, I started to rethink my original plan. It went from a place that I’d call home to the place that broke me.

I’ve wandered from state to state most of my life, and I’ve always wanted to find a place to settle down and lay down roots. I lived in Grandview, MO as a kid, which isn’t far from Kansas City. Living in Grandview is something I have fond memories of. It’s where my family got our first pet and my parents bought their first homes. So going back to the place that brought me joy seemed like a good idea. Plus the cost of living and the price of houses wasn’t too bad. The only problem is that places and people change over the years. The Kansas City area I once knew was different and so was I. The happy life I was looking to build in Kansas City wasn’t there, and I tried to make it work. But in trying to make it work I only found more unhappiness.

Loneliness

While living in Kansas City I struggled to make friends. I used Meetup as a way to meet people with similar interests and make friends. After moving, I joined a couple of groups. With my anxiety, I have a hard time making friends. Meeting new people is way out of my comfort zone but in order to make friends and build relationships, I have to step out of my comfort zone.

Before going to a Meetup group event, I’d go over the tools I learned in therapy. And I’d give myself the challenge to speak to at least one person. When I went to my first Meetup group event, I was both nervous and excited. I only ended up staying for about 45 minutes. My time at the event was spent feeling like I didn’t belong. I was talked over and ignored by the other members, and on my drive home I kept questioning if I had done something wrong. Looking back, I probably didn’t.

From there I continued my search for friends and was met with a lot of the same. I’d make plans with people and they wouldn’t show up, or I’d get invited out to get picked on. Eventually, I stopped stepping outside of my comfort zone and stopped trying to make friends. Then COVID-19 happened and the loneliness hit hard. And I spent my days wishing I wasn’t alone.

Divorce

My relationship with my ex-husband was an abusive one that only got worse in Kansas City. He applied for the police academy and his abuse went from physical to emotional. So my days were spent walking on eggshells so that I didn’t upset him and cause problems. With no friends in Kansas City, I felt like I had no one to turn to for help. After a bad fight, I ended up reaching out for help and got connected to services. It marked the beginning of the end of our marriage. After our divorce, Kansas City became a place that brought up traumatic memories. I found myself constantly avoiding going to certain places and afraid that’d run into him.

Not Finding a job

I’ve never had an easy time finding jobs and working. I’m autistic so working comes with its own set of challenges. When I moved to Kansas City I started looking for a new job and got hired on doing tech support for a company. I asked for accommodations, and like almost every job I’ve ever had, they declined my request. I only worked there for a few months being talked down to by customers, and my coworkers. Became more than I could bear and for the sake of my mental health, I quit. After that, I got a job at a grocery store, I didn’t stay there long either. They didn’t have a lot of good reliable employees, and the ones they did have they took advantage of. They didn’t follow my availability and ignored my request.

I went on to do freelance work and contract work. The pay wasn’t steady, but at least I was able to pay my bills.  When COVID-19 hit, I went into temporary work. My assignment was the worst job I had ever had. There were days when I live work in tears ready to drive my car off the road. While I was working there my mental health hit an all-time low. I wanted to quit, but I hung in there to pay my bills. Going through that made me realize that I wasn’t going to find a career in Kansas City. It had been a dead-end job after dead-end job, and if I wanted something better I needed to go back to school.

Moving on

While living in Kansas City, I found myself often feeling lonely, depressed, and overwhelmed. I got tired of struggling to get out of bed and being treated poorly at work for a next-to-nothing paycheck. I had hit my breaking point. It was time to move on, I felt like I was stuck in a cycle. That I was doing the same thing over and over again expecting something different to happen. But it wasn’t Kansas City wasn’t the place for me. So I wrote down three places and decided to let the Universe guide me to where I needed to be. One of the places was Denver, CO. When I was looking at Schools with a Lifestyle Medicine program Denver was the only place on my list with a school with the program. I felt like the answer couldn’t be clearer.

I’m moving on and breaking the cycle that I’ve been stuck in for the past three years. It’s time to let go of what was to let something new. I’m making a journey into new uncharted territories, and I’m scared. But I also know where I am now isn’t going to get better. I’d rather take my chances on something new than stay in something that isn’t working. I don’t hate Kansas City, it just the place for me, and my time here wasn’t all bad. I’m leaving it a better and stranger person. At the end of the day, I’m grateful for the experience and I’ve learned from it. But it’s time to move and say goodbye to Kansas City, MO, and hello to Denver, CO

Related post: 6 Effective ways to let go and Move on