My Experience with Domestic Abuse

Tigger warning: this post discusses abuse. 

When it comes to blogging, I don’t open up a lot about what’s going on in my personal life. I’m a private person and only share certain things online. And what I’m about to share is something I’ve debated about sharing for a while. Earlier this my seven-year-long abusive marriage came to an end. This wasn’t something I was going to share online but after much thought. I decided to share my story because I have a voice and with my voice, I can share my story and help end the stigma around domestic abuse. And hopefully, inspire someone in a similar situation to seek help.

When we think of domestic abuse we tend to think of violence. But not the psychological or emotional that comes with it and the toll it takes. My relationship with my soon-to-be ex-husband started like most. Two people getting to know each other and falling more and more in love. Things were fine until they weren’t. The first time he hit me was only a few months into our relationship. We were auguring, but I don’t remember what it was about. And the next thing I knew he slammed against the wall. I wrote it off as a one-time thing an accident. But it wasn’t.

Things would be good for a while before they turned violent. It was usually when I would try to speak up for myself. I’d fight to be heard and get so frustrated and made to feel as if I was crazy. So I’d keep things inside instead of speaking about them with him. I couldn’t come to him and talk about a bad day. I had to swallow it up and walk on eggshells around him. Because speaking up meant that he’d become abusive.

My mental health started to decline, and I’d lost my confidence. I felt worthless and used. I had no power in our relationship and forced to go along with the things he wanted. And if we didn’t agree with things, he made it as if I was being selfish. That just because I wasn’t uncomfortable with something. I wanted the world to revolve around me. My soon-to-be ex-husband manipulated situations where he could have power over me. He left bruises, broke my things, and played the victim.

For years I dealt with both physical and emotional abuse. But once he started the process of joining the police academy he stopped with the physical abuse and focused on emotional abuse. Since physical abuse could disqualify him from the police academy. But belittling me and having control was something he could do without fear of losing his opportunity to become a police officer.

I’d spend hours cleaning the home we shared for him to sit around, or make a mess immediately afterward. I wouldn’t come to a cooked meal, kind words, or something special to let me know he cared. He made sure that in our relationship I felt small so he could control me. I lived in fear of speaking up. I’d cover bruises, or say everything was okay when it wasn’t. Gave in to his demands, did all that I could to make him happy, but it was never enough. I lived in fear and was afraid that saying something wouldn’t make things better, but worst.

I stayed quiet and continued to keep things inside.  And every day of being with him was so draining. I couldn’t focus on what I needed to and my work started to suffer because of it.  It wasn’t until I started seeing a domestic violence counselor until everything came together. He had no respect for me and he never would. To him, I was something he could use and abuse for his own personal gain. Throughout our relationship I supported, but he refused to the same. Through therapy, I learned about domestic abuse and that I deserved better. And I cam to realize the domestic abuse was never going to end no matter what I did. I’m not a perfect person, and I don’t pretend to me. But I am worthy of love and respect.

Abuse isn’t always physical, and the scars left by an abusive partner can’t always be seen by others. If you’re in a relationship with a person who’s abusive. Know there’s a way out and resources available to you to help you leave your relationship and rebuild. Know your worth and that you don’t have to put up with someone who doesn’t respect you.

We are all worthy of love and respect in a relationship. So don’t settle for less, you’re not a doormat for someone to walk over. And things to get better, the first few months after the divorce was difficult, but I’ve been working on me. My confidence is growing, my mental health is improving, and I’m a lot happier. It’s a dark part of my past, but it’s something I’m using to push me forward to a brighter future.

If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic abuse visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1800-799-7233 27/7. You can also text LOVEIS to 22522 from 7 am to 2 am CST. You’re not alone. 

Related post: Ways to Help People Struggling With Their Mental Health